kind of surreal... im almost ending my rgs journey. anw this week has been super exhausting...
monday: philo and eng papers. i pretty much failed english big time... had some issues with time management and i overshot the friggin summary by 30 words can u imagine and everyone who heard was like :O:O:O yea... then i was quite emo after the paper cuz like ENGLISH Y U DO THIS TO ME.. english has never been a prob in my acads... ok mb i really need to start reading books. but anw it was nice having friends around to comfort but then i got quite pissed off cuz i realized some people just prioritize studies FIRST over everything else. like is it so important to know if ur answer was correct that u neglect ur fren whos so upset... i know some ppl are not that comfortable with expressing c n c but yea.. idk was just super moody. ok yea then philo was just like heck care altho i studied quite a lot for it. sighpie. kind of regret studying so much for these two subjects when i wont even do much better than if i didnt. but i guess going into the examination knowing uve at least tried to put in some effort makes me feel better :)
okay then tuesday was like a mad rush for the chinese papers on wednesday. couldnt seem to find any motivation tho ... and i was super unproductive. never used to be like that. the day before the exam was always PRODUCTIVE like BOOMz. haiz so anw i fell asleep at 11.30 and woke up at 3.30 can u imagine. then studied till 4 plus... haiz
wednesday. 6 HOURS OF HELL. k not that bad but it was torture. paper 1 was 2 hours, paper 2 another 2 hours and i went for chinese tuition after that :O SOBS... quite sian of languages... its like if u dont have it u just dont doesnt matter how much u study. but ok everyone found the papers tough so all is fine. mmmm then i went for a nice "dinner" at 4.37 excuse me with jing jess lau tab maz and it was quite fun teehee good time to take a BREAK and not just burn out goodness. yea we talked about super weird stuff dem funny hehehe.
anyways someone in my school just passed on... it was sudden and i think it really made everyone stop and reflect on how unpredictable life is? i was just thinking about how tragic it would be if all of us just studied and studied and studied for the future that might not even be there and one day before we can even reach the future we just leave... what was all the suffering for? then again its not really suffering bbut the attitude which we face studying with and it really isnt healthy... and just makes life so meaningless. wish i could let go.
yeaaaaa and exams will be over in just over 2 weeks FRIGGIN EXCITED i made my after eyas schedule ard ^^ very eggxited to start options and start exercising and ... studying for o lvls. realized that time FLIES like idk what and after eyas theres only 6 weeks to o lvls. HOW IS THAT EVEN ENOUGH. creepy :_( yup sigh. and its teachers' day tmr. first time not getting individualized presents :O oopsie.. but ive been too busy to think of stuff to give and buy them and i nida stop spending so much money ermagawd :O :O
ok yeaaa hope the last day of term 3 will end with a bang bang eggxited ^^
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
When i was young...
really really feel like being young all over again and maybe this time ill learn to appreciate sleep, freedom and time. was thinking about why we all cant seem to figure out who and what we really are like cuz as we grow up we are affected by what others think of us and how we are expected to behave and stuff. so i thought itd be quite interesting to go back and think how i was like in my childhood days HAHA.
i was a friggin cute little thing la xP ok i dont have much photos of my young self on my comp so just a few
anyways from the little bit that i can remember of myself plus what my parents tell me ....
1) I was mischievous and quite like naughty smart how to say. and i had quite a temper HAHHAA
once when we went to clarke quay where they sell the turkish ice cream then the dude tries to pretend to give u the icecream with his long stick but tricks you by making you like not get the ice cream? YEA so basically he was gonna trick me and cuz I WAS (still am) A SMART KID i watched other people getting tricked AND FIGURED A PLAN. when he held out the ice cream i just put my hands behind opened my hugeass mouth and started eating the icecream CAN YOU IMAGINE HAHAHAHAH so apparently the guy was quite shocked la. kuddos to me. i think im more guai now but oh well once in a while i feel nasty and play tricks on others :P
2) i was ungrateful like nobody's business
there was once I fell down and was quite upset and started crying then my sister tried to pick me up and i hit her hand i stood up by myself. then once my k1 classmate gave me a chocolate and i started nosebleeding and i blamed that dude forever. i guess im more grateful now hmmm quite generous with my thankyous
3) i was attention seeking and jealous of everything i still am whoop
if no one noticed me id put up a super big fuss and cry. that time we had a family photoshoot for my dads side. so my cousin whos 1 year younger cried cuz she was scared or idk what. then we were all like :O but anw she got a sweet! and guess who got jealous and cried and got a sweet. ME. hah. really quite smart as a kid hurh
4) i was super soreloser
i guess everything had to go my way and if people APPEASED (lol appeasement policy) you a few times ud expect it to be that way all the time right. so anw i was happily playing some game thing with my mum n sis and i lost. IMMEDIATELY my face turned black and i cried like crazy. thats friggin bipolar i cant even like one moment happy one moment angry hahaha. maybe its like childhood pms idk. still quite competitive at times but im ok with losing games ^^
5) i was anal and some organized freak who LOVED collecting stuff
so yea id pack and repack and repack things - my favourite pasttime with all that extra time i had lol. yea but i was organized but everything was cluttered kind of? so i had this MINI table to play my cashier games or what not (i had no table of my own so sad) and i had to put everything there.. like stationary, fake computer, notepad, fake money, cards wtv la so its neat but cluttered and everything collected dust. haha. and i loved to collect stickers, used envelopes, used hongbaos, nursery books (so i can read to my fishies and teach my softtoys AHAHAHA), what else.. ERASER DUST! coloured one smore hahah we were obsessed with making them.. so its like u colour the table or smthing then u erase and tadaa!! u get colour erase dust. but then u chop it up with ur ruler and grind and grind and grind till u get powder erase dust. not kidding i had like a few packs of coloured powder erase dust - was my pride and my joy hah. anw i cant get rid of my collecting stuff habit but yea my analness quite gone ard.
6) was possessive
dunno if its the correct word but like i always wanted things TO BELONG TO ME. okay so i had no room to myself (i still dont) i had no bed to myself (we slept on mattresses while my maid slept on the bed LOL), i had no table to myself, no closet to myself. so basically just quite sad la. and i had hardly any clothes that were bought and meant for me. cuz all passed down la its like from my oldest cousin pas to next to next to next in the end i get it. then sometimes my sister will go shopping with my mum and get like 2 bagful of clothes NEW and id cry to myself (or out loud and complain) cuz id only get at most 1 piece or like not at all. quite upsetting. so ANW if u look at my closet now and take out all the clothes i bought for myself. theres like nothing left inside. people should start understanding why i actually like to shop - cuz if not ill be wearing 1 or 2 clothing over and over again. yea and i kept bugging my parents to let me have a table of my own.. and closet. ok now i have like some space in the mega room-length closet next door but its not entirely mine. (before that i had the closet of the doubledeckerbed staircase which was WAYYY to small okay yea) and i have a tiny pink table for myself. but as i said the neatness is gone so yea usually too cluttered and its in my room where my maid lives and by 10 i cant use the lights and study or she goes crazy. and i usually study from 10 onwards so like table = no table. POSSESSIVE i still am.
7) stressed
yea i was one big time mugger man no kidding. id get so stressed over TING XIE from like k1 ok. all the way to p6. yup. so in k1 we had mini ting xies and if u got everything correct u get a red star on ur hand. like pen drawing for a reward. it was REALLY important to get that star last time la. so ill keep practicing for ting xie and id cry cuz i couldnt get the words or wtv. 4 year old kid crying over tingxie for a pen mark sounds so ridiculous now SIGH. and anw things got bad in p6 i had 3 tingxies (1 for higher chinese 1 for normal chinese 1 for tuition) a week and like it was CHAO JI stressful cuz for class if you get full marks you add to your group's points. (yea points system was popular) and i was in a good class so quite a number of people got full marks. competitive me felt like it was my utmost duty and responsibility to get full marks or x(. haha so yea i practically spent my days mugging for tingxie so funny. but then eventually it wasnt too bad cuz i became PRO at tingxie. look for a while can gettit. okay so yea now im still some crazy anxious stressed kid but im trying to let it go!
8) i didnt actually love food
like when I was young i didnt actually get to eat snacks? like my house didnt have snacks and we coudlnt exactly buy snacks ourselves... and school was all about healthy food. so yea i didnt noe of the wonders of food and i ATE to LIVE . now i LIVE to EAT hah. thats why i was like quite bony and skinny last time. sighpie i need that back.
9) i wasnt image conscious
okay so i never thought i was pretty nor did i think i was ugly. basically i never really cared about how i looked. like i didnt spend much time on dressing up or wtv i was like like ok tshirt jeans and pull hair tight tight no layer hair no cutting hair into shapes just like YEA. be myself man. yup so i was quite comfortable in my own skin and i never really judged people based on their outward appearance. yea the tables have turned (okay slightly wrong usage but u understand what i mean). i am SOOO image conscious now like everyone around me is la. im concerned about what i wear, how heavy i weigh, issit a bad hair day bad picture day blabla. its SOOO TIRING but yea cant help it. and i dont feel comfortable in myself especially these few months.. really put on dem alot of weight cant take it. so yae i really admire my young self on this note!
10) i had lots of fun
okay i had like NO FREEDOM AT ALL. i didnt actually go out with friends by my own accord till SEC ONE can you imagine AHHAHA. ok but yea i had so much fun in school in church with my grannys neighbour with my cousins and yea... in school we used to play catching EVERY SINGLE MINUTE we had to spare. now everyones just too lazy and tired :(
HAISH i really wanna be young again. my life back then seems so deluded now. its like so innocent and naive and happy go lucky. need to learn from my old self (apart from like... being naughty ungrateful possesive soreloser) HAHAHA actually i was one weird kid okay bye
i was a friggin cute little thing la xP ok i dont have much photos of my young self on my comp so just a few
anyways from the little bit that i can remember of myself plus what my parents tell me ....
1) I was mischievous and quite like naughty smart how to say. and i had quite a temper HAHHAA
once when we went to clarke quay where they sell the turkish ice cream then the dude tries to pretend to give u the icecream with his long stick but tricks you by making you like not get the ice cream? YEA so basically he was gonna trick me and cuz I WAS (still am) A SMART KID i watched other people getting tricked AND FIGURED A PLAN. when he held out the ice cream i just put my hands behind opened my hugeass mouth and started eating the icecream CAN YOU IMAGINE HAHAHAHAH so apparently the guy was quite shocked la. kuddos to me. i think im more guai now but oh well once in a while i feel nasty and play tricks on others :P
2) i was ungrateful like nobody's business
there was once I fell down and was quite upset and started crying then my sister tried to pick me up and i hit her hand i stood up by myself. then once my k1 classmate gave me a chocolate and i started nosebleeding and i blamed that dude forever. i guess im more grateful now hmmm quite generous with my thankyous
3) i was attention seeking and jealous of everything i still am whoop
if no one noticed me id put up a super big fuss and cry. that time we had a family photoshoot for my dads side. so my cousin whos 1 year younger cried cuz she was scared or idk what. then we were all like :O but anw she got a sweet! and guess who got jealous and cried and got a sweet. ME. hah. really quite smart as a kid hurh
4) i was super soreloser
i guess everything had to go my way and if people APPEASED (lol appeasement policy) you a few times ud expect it to be that way all the time right. so anw i was happily playing some game thing with my mum n sis and i lost. IMMEDIATELY my face turned black and i cried like crazy. thats friggin bipolar i cant even like one moment happy one moment angry hahaha. maybe its like childhood pms idk. still quite competitive at times but im ok with losing games ^^
5) i was anal and some organized freak who LOVED collecting stuff
so yea id pack and repack and repack things - my favourite pasttime with all that extra time i had lol. yea but i was organized but everything was cluttered kind of? so i had this MINI table to play my cashier games or what not (i had no table of my own so sad) and i had to put everything there.. like stationary, fake computer, notepad, fake money, cards wtv la so its neat but cluttered and everything collected dust. haha. and i loved to collect stickers, used envelopes, used hongbaos, nursery books (so i can read to my fishies and teach my softtoys AHAHAHA), what else.. ERASER DUST! coloured one smore hahah we were obsessed with making them.. so its like u colour the table or smthing then u erase and tadaa!! u get colour erase dust. but then u chop it up with ur ruler and grind and grind and grind till u get powder erase dust. not kidding i had like a few packs of coloured powder erase dust - was my pride and my joy hah. anw i cant get rid of my collecting stuff habit but yea my analness quite gone ard.
6) was possessive
dunno if its the correct word but like i always wanted things TO BELONG TO ME. okay so i had no room to myself (i still dont) i had no bed to myself (we slept on mattresses while my maid slept on the bed LOL), i had no table to myself, no closet to myself. so basically just quite sad la. and i had hardly any clothes that were bought and meant for me. cuz all passed down la its like from my oldest cousin pas to next to next to next in the end i get it. then sometimes my sister will go shopping with my mum and get like 2 bagful of clothes NEW and id cry to myself (or out loud and complain) cuz id only get at most 1 piece or like not at all. quite upsetting. so ANW if u look at my closet now and take out all the clothes i bought for myself. theres like nothing left inside. people should start understanding why i actually like to shop - cuz if not ill be wearing 1 or 2 clothing over and over again. yea and i kept bugging my parents to let me have a table of my own.. and closet. ok now i have like some space in the mega room-length closet next door but its not entirely mine. (before that i had the closet of the doubledeckerbed staircase which was WAYYY to small okay yea) and i have a tiny pink table for myself. but as i said the neatness is gone so yea usually too cluttered and its in my room where my maid lives and by 10 i cant use the lights and study or she goes crazy. and i usually study from 10 onwards so like table = no table. POSSESSIVE i still am.
7) stressed
yea i was one big time mugger man no kidding. id get so stressed over TING XIE from like k1 ok. all the way to p6. yup. so in k1 we had mini ting xies and if u got everything correct u get a red star on ur hand. like pen drawing for a reward. it was REALLY important to get that star last time la. so ill keep practicing for ting xie and id cry cuz i couldnt get the words or wtv. 4 year old kid crying over tingxie for a pen mark sounds so ridiculous now SIGH. and anw things got bad in p6 i had 3 tingxies (1 for higher chinese 1 for normal chinese 1 for tuition) a week and like it was CHAO JI stressful cuz for class if you get full marks you add to your group's points. (yea points system was popular) and i was in a good class so quite a number of people got full marks. competitive me felt like it was my utmost duty and responsibility to get full marks or x(. haha so yea i practically spent my days mugging for tingxie so funny. but then eventually it wasnt too bad cuz i became PRO at tingxie. look for a while can gettit. okay so yea now im still some crazy anxious stressed kid but im trying to let it go!
8) i didnt actually love food
like when I was young i didnt actually get to eat snacks? like my house didnt have snacks and we coudlnt exactly buy snacks ourselves... and school was all about healthy food. so yea i didnt noe of the wonders of food and i ATE to LIVE . now i LIVE to EAT hah. thats why i was like quite bony and skinny last time. sighpie i need that back.
9) i wasnt image conscious
okay so i never thought i was pretty nor did i think i was ugly. basically i never really cared about how i looked. like i didnt spend much time on dressing up or wtv i was like like ok tshirt jeans and pull hair tight tight no layer hair no cutting hair into shapes just like YEA. be myself man. yup so i was quite comfortable in my own skin and i never really judged people based on their outward appearance. yea the tables have turned (okay slightly wrong usage but u understand what i mean). i am SOOO image conscious now like everyone around me is la. im concerned about what i wear, how heavy i weigh, issit a bad hair day bad picture day blabla. its SOOO TIRING but yea cant help it. and i dont feel comfortable in myself especially these few months.. really put on dem alot of weight cant take it. so yae i really admire my young self on this note!
10) i had lots of fun
okay i had like NO FREEDOM AT ALL. i didnt actually go out with friends by my own accord till SEC ONE can you imagine AHHAHA. ok but yea i had so much fun in school in church with my grannys neighbour with my cousins and yea... in school we used to play catching EVERY SINGLE MINUTE we had to spare. now everyones just too lazy and tired :(
HAISH i really wanna be young again. my life back then seems so deluded now. its like so innocent and naive and happy go lucky. need to learn from my old self (apart from like... being naughty ungrateful possesive soreloser) HAHAHA actually i was one weird kid okay bye
Sunday, August 25, 2013
about myself
so theres been this "10/20 facts about myself" thing on instagram but its so annoying to scroll down looonnng descriptions so yea not doing it there..
1) i hate waiting
i hate it when people are late especially when they dont feel sorry about it or dont even try to hurry haha and its not like im never late but at least i try not to be. when im waiting i feel insecure and forgotten lol
2) ive always wanted to be niang.
as in feminine and like those olden china palace princesses...so i always tell myself.. okay walk with my legs closer, cover your mouth when u cough burp sneeze whatever. say excuse. talk softly. smile without teeth.
doesnt work. i walk with my legs FAR apart... walk up the stairs with my feet in a 5th position.?! openly sneeze super loudly and burp and not apologise for it. talk super loudly i think i can go be a parade commander. and i cant smile with my mouth closed. or i look constipated. yea. sigh!
so sometimes i think okay maybe i should try to be cool instead and bengish. but not enough swag. aiya idk feels like i have no identity
3) i want to seem fierce and unapproachable to strangers
so weird right most people want to look kind and friendly and whatnot. but i think its COOL to have this scary aura hahahaha like mudzy and tab. k their not fierce or anything but they look formidable hAHAHA used to be so freaked out by them.
4) id rather excel in something than be ok in everything.
i think im quite averagely all rounded. but no i want to be SUPER SUPER pro at something and everyone will remember me for it. how to say like everytime i ask people oh what am i good at then their like... u play violin, ur quite smart, u can dance ... hmm but sometimes whats the point when i dont excel in either. so excelistic and resultisist but well ..
5) i NEED to noe where and how im going
i hate it when im going somewhere and im not even sure which directions to take. so yea i spend a lot of time checking up and googlemapping places im not familiar with. its so good to just be chill and go with the flow. nothing wrong with being lost right or late? but no.. i get tremendously stressed out when im going to be late or im somewhere unfamiliar. thats why im obsessed with sg buses/iris. and they forever cheat my feelings haish
6) i havent decided if im introverted or extroverted
i enjoy being alone. and i love taking public transport or walking home by myself and thinking or whatever. but then when im with people its like even if i dont feel like speaking or theres nothing really to talk about theres this force that BOOMZ and suddenly im chattering away and going crazy. its so weird.
7) im ultra sensitive
everything that people say or do makes me think alot about how they view me or whatever. and any hurtful comment that comes is quite like stabbing. sometimes i feel like the whole world might be secretly hating me. so when people give me feedback on stuff i can change i think i go all out to change. but what urks me so much is when people criticise things about me that I CANT EVEN CHANGE. so what am i supposed to do hurh? i cant magically make my nose sharper or grow taller or grow longer lashes or get skinnier calves right what the T.T
8) i wish for a world where everyone is open
despite being sensitive i think i take feedback quite okayly, as i said, as long as i can work on it. why do people find it so hard to be DIRECT to people. why tell people only what they want to hear? (wah dejavu typing this) and i HATE IT when i noe someone is angry with me or doesnt like something about me BUT DOESNT TELL ME. its not fair to be angry when the person ur angry at doesnt even know why. so yea im quite blunt towards people especially those i care about. if youre overweight and it makes u look worse than you can look or feel self conscious im not gonna tell u u look good. if i find you annoying im not gonna say ur nice. im not saying overweight people dont look good or people i find annoying are not nice but isnt it good to get feedback on how you can look or be your best.? but if you're completely accepting of yourself then okay good for you. so yea i do hope people tell me how i can improve but NICELY of course
9) im a worrywart
i worry about EVERYTHING. shant elaborate i think most people who noe me understand hahaa. but i think its so stressful and unhealthy. all the things i worry about make me unhappy and depressivish. so yea hopefully i can learn to let go of things. hey but this year im much better i think ^^ its so funny how we're so fortunate and blessed but we're always so unhappy and worried about everything and we forget about the things we have. a sermon a few weeks ago was talking about how we have God and he'll provide for us so we need to trust that he'll bring us through. and thinking about it ive realized that REALLY when i put my trust in God there are so many things He can do. but still me being me im always worried about that WHAT IF its not the case this time. so yea i need to learn to TRUST.
and funnily i always worry for others. when someones giving a performance lets say singing and sounds shaky my heart just drops. so worried that the person will screw up or whatever.. even if idk the person haha. and im always worrying for people who seem to not givee hoots about studying. maybe the whole rgs thing is just in me like. no study = die. so when i see people esp those taking MAJOR EXAMS im just like please please study. hahaa im so weird.
10) im dominating
HAIZ yea only recently did i realize how bad it is. when theres something that requires team cooperation or whatever and NO ONE seems to be making an effort to get the team together i just feel like its my duty and responsibility to take matteres i my hand and start orderig people around. and i guess i end up offending people HAISH. ok shall try to lax a bit next time but wow like how do some people tahan not being involved in decision making and stuff ?!
11) I LOVE CHILDREN
sooo cute and innocent. when i see how their thoughts are so naive my heart just shatters. ok not really but like yeaaaa just quite sad to see how missing this innocence is in older people. and children are so okay with me touching them. thats not supposed to sound pervo. anw my fav kid for now is jing en!! hehehe
and anw to my emo blog post of ytd... had a short talk with my dad today. he was like why couldnt u discuss things with us properly and stuff and then i asked him why was mum even angry T.T expected.. he said she was just trynna arrange something for our fam and stuff. so anw i asked him why cant yall support my dance? and he said no we support what its your choice and interest. okay so i guess to my parents supporting my dance means allowing me to take it up. nothing more. but thankfully nothing less. but ive decided if the trip is before or during my exam im not going for it. last dance exam after all. so yea pray hope no further conflict.
1) i hate waiting
i hate it when people are late especially when they dont feel sorry about it or dont even try to hurry haha and its not like im never late but at least i try not to be. when im waiting i feel insecure and forgotten lol
2) ive always wanted to be niang.
as in feminine and like those olden china palace princesses...so i always tell myself.. okay walk with my legs closer, cover your mouth when u cough burp sneeze whatever. say excuse. talk softly. smile without teeth.
doesnt work. i walk with my legs FAR apart... walk up the stairs with my feet in a 5th position.?! openly sneeze super loudly and burp and not apologise for it. talk super loudly i think i can go be a parade commander. and i cant smile with my mouth closed. or i look constipated. yea. sigh!
so sometimes i think okay maybe i should try to be cool instead and bengish. but not enough swag. aiya idk feels like i have no identity
3) i want to seem fierce and unapproachable to strangers
so weird right most people want to look kind and friendly and whatnot. but i think its COOL to have this scary aura hahahaha like mudzy and tab. k their not fierce or anything but they look formidable hAHAHA used to be so freaked out by them.
4) id rather excel in something than be ok in everything.
i think im quite averagely all rounded. but no i want to be SUPER SUPER pro at something and everyone will remember me for it. how to say like everytime i ask people oh what am i good at then their like... u play violin, ur quite smart, u can dance ... hmm but sometimes whats the point when i dont excel in either. so excelistic and resultisist but well ..
5) i NEED to noe where and how im going
i hate it when im going somewhere and im not even sure which directions to take. so yea i spend a lot of time checking up and googlemapping places im not familiar with. its so good to just be chill and go with the flow. nothing wrong with being lost right or late? but no.. i get tremendously stressed out when im going to be late or im somewhere unfamiliar. thats why im obsessed with sg buses/iris. and they forever cheat my feelings haish
6) i havent decided if im introverted or extroverted
i enjoy being alone. and i love taking public transport or walking home by myself and thinking or whatever. but then when im with people its like even if i dont feel like speaking or theres nothing really to talk about theres this force that BOOMZ and suddenly im chattering away and going crazy. its so weird.
7) im ultra sensitive
everything that people say or do makes me think alot about how they view me or whatever. and any hurtful comment that comes is quite like stabbing. sometimes i feel like the whole world might be secretly hating me. so when people give me feedback on stuff i can change i think i go all out to change. but what urks me so much is when people criticise things about me that I CANT EVEN CHANGE. so what am i supposed to do hurh? i cant magically make my nose sharper or grow taller or grow longer lashes or get skinnier calves right what the T.T
8) i wish for a world where everyone is open
despite being sensitive i think i take feedback quite okayly, as i said, as long as i can work on it. why do people find it so hard to be DIRECT to people. why tell people only what they want to hear? (wah dejavu typing this) and i HATE IT when i noe someone is angry with me or doesnt like something about me BUT DOESNT TELL ME. its not fair to be angry when the person ur angry at doesnt even know why. so yea im quite blunt towards people especially those i care about. if youre overweight and it makes u look worse than you can look or feel self conscious im not gonna tell u u look good. if i find you annoying im not gonna say ur nice. im not saying overweight people dont look good or people i find annoying are not nice but isnt it good to get feedback on how you can look or be your best.? but if you're completely accepting of yourself then okay good for you. so yea i do hope people tell me how i can improve but NICELY of course
9) im a worrywart
i worry about EVERYTHING. shant elaborate i think most people who noe me understand hahaa. but i think its so stressful and unhealthy. all the things i worry about make me unhappy and depressivish. so yea hopefully i can learn to let go of things. hey but this year im much better i think ^^ its so funny how we're so fortunate and blessed but we're always so unhappy and worried about everything and we forget about the things we have. a sermon a few weeks ago was talking about how we have God and he'll provide for us so we need to trust that he'll bring us through. and thinking about it ive realized that REALLY when i put my trust in God there are so many things He can do. but still me being me im always worried about that WHAT IF its not the case this time. so yea i need to learn to TRUST.
and funnily i always worry for others. when someones giving a performance lets say singing and sounds shaky my heart just drops. so worried that the person will screw up or whatever.. even if idk the person haha. and im always worrying for people who seem to not givee hoots about studying. maybe the whole rgs thing is just in me like. no study = die. so when i see people esp those taking MAJOR EXAMS im just like please please study. hahaa im so weird.
10) im dominating
HAIZ yea only recently did i realize how bad it is. when theres something that requires team cooperation or whatever and NO ONE seems to be making an effort to get the team together i just feel like its my duty and responsibility to take matteres i my hand and start orderig people around. and i guess i end up offending people HAISH. ok shall try to lax a bit next time but wow like how do some people tahan not being involved in decision making and stuff ?!
11) I LOVE CHILDREN
sooo cute and innocent. when i see how their thoughts are so naive my heart just shatters. ok not really but like yeaaaa just quite sad to see how missing this innocence is in older people. and children are so okay with me touching them. thats not supposed to sound pervo. anw my fav kid for now is jing en!! hehehe
shes SOOO adorable and she has an adorable sis and bro. but its so cute how shes like shy shy in front of me but shes always saying my name at home. and she asked her mum how come jiejie charlotte always *flails hands and screams*? SO CUTE HAHAHHAA <3
so yea anyone has cute kids please ...
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and anw to my emo blog post of ytd... had a short talk with my dad today. he was like why couldnt u discuss things with us properly and stuff and then i asked him why was mum even angry T.T expected.. he said she was just trynna arrange something for our fam and stuff. so anw i asked him why cant yall support my dance? and he said no we support what its your choice and interest. okay so i guess to my parents supporting my dance means allowing me to take it up. nothing more. but thankfully nothing less. but ive decided if the trip is before or during my exam im not going for it. last dance exam after all. so yea pray hope no further conflict.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Do they care
My parents are the best parents I can ask for. Nice, patient, family oriented bla.. But sometimes i wonder if they care about me and what i enjoy doing. I really like dancing... not something im great in or something I can earn a living from or whatever la but it makes me happy. So ive been stopping and starting and stopping and starting because its pretty low on my parents priorities for me and like last year when i took my violin and theory exam i was sure i wouldnt be able to cope with all plus school stuff. This year i was dying to dance again so i and begged my parents to let me start and again and SUPER UNWILLINGLY i was allowed to. conditions came of course... family first, cant be stressed, cant show blackface. Sec 4 meant loads of school shit and there was cheer plus syf and church and everything so i was really unsure if could cope but anw i asked for it so i was prepared to work for it and make sure i fare reasonably well for everything. cant take doing things i have no confidence in doing well :/.
SO yea i tried... i've been studying QUITE hard.. and trying making sure i have some time for my family... but it never seems enough. like right from the start till now everytime something clashes with my dance... my parents get angry and theyre like ok youre not going for dance. i skipped like half my dance classes =.= (cuz of alot of other stuff too) and im not even spending that much time on dance you noe. just like 4-5 hours a week. and if im in a bad mood or what then theyll say... see you're too busy... to many commitments must quit something. anw just a lot of conflict which makes things so unhappy.
so for midterm i did quite well for my studies... and then my parnets were like ok good job. then i tried to kind of remind them that i DESERVE to go for lessons cuz like iguess ive proven i can manage? idk la aiya. but idk... they still dont think so
i understand theyre against me having so many committments for my own good BUT if ive chosen to do it CANT U SUPPORT ME? i just feel like my parents dont give a shit about my dance. ok so the thing is at the end of the year im going for a mission trip and the day i fly off is SO QIAO the day my dance concert is on. told my mum... quite sad.. and she was like oh good now you dont have to take part and stuff. and like JUST just now like a few hours ago they were like oh we're going on a cruise nov 24.. my dance exam is at the end of november. i have no idea whats the actual date so will it clash, or happen just before the cruise blabla idk but 1) they didnt even REMEMBER that i have an exam and i just told them last week. 2) they think its completely fine to skip the classes before the exam as long as i go for the exam shouldnt affect me right. but like no HELLO two weeks before the exam is like intensive almost the whole days spent practicing. and then my mum was like "ur even busier than dad. SO MANY COMMITMENTS" and she sounded so friggin angry i cant even.
LIKE WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?! the exam was planned BEFORE the trip. and im already skipping the dance concert and its not even like i completely heck the family ugh. and then... being so emotionally unstable i cried like shit. so stupid. but its been like a build up of EVERYTHING. in my dance school theres only one official performance of the year. last year i wasnt in the school so no performance. two years ago i was performing and SO QIAO same day as my sis. anw that performance meant ALOT to me cuz i was quitting dance for year 3 and it was also my first perf with that school la. then i was quite upset cuz my parents said they werent coming... like the day before cuz my dad was sick. okayy... but i wasnt angry or anything sick what to do. BUT GUESS WHAT they went for my sisters concert. wow i was just like ? my sis performs SO OFTEN is it so hard to skip one idk im such an ass but really. and the timings didnt even CLASH. and EVERY SINGLE TIME my sis performs I HAVE TO WATCH. its not like i hate watching or anything its quite enjoyable but why so much support for her? ok i know like harps gonna be her carreer and all that but is something that your other daughter enjoys doing so insignificant?
AND THEN youre afraid im stressed right? okay.. then i wanted to stop violin. but you had this great idea: to let me take my dip next year IN JC1. people cant even cope with thier studies what makes you think i can cope with that and violin? and diploma in less than a year is CRAZY. and when i told you i dont think i can make it you actually said if i practiced a few hours a day, in a few months time ill be ready. cuz i practice 45 mins aweek and i did fine for my grade 8. but havent you thought about it? WHY DO I PRACTICE SO LITTLE? lazy. okay i agree but then why lazy? cuz im not even that interestedin it and im having problems coping with my studies and everything else!!! what makes u think i can do it man.. of course i noe taking a dip in violin will do GOOD for me. but isnt this contradictory to the whole point ur trying to make that i should stop STRESSING myself out and taking up too many commitments...
i think im really ungrateful and stuff.... like my parnets have done so much for me ... but idk i always feel so left out. maybe its just me but i feel like the world revolves around my sis sometimes... harp. it cost so much, the harp itself, renovating the house for it, getting another car for it, so much money and time and effort. and the thing is my sis doesnt even APPRECIATE it as much as i think she should. or at least she doesnt show it idk. its not like shes been a much more filial daughter or anything right? but whats in for me? idk.
you know how much kids want freedom and not have their parents constantly checking up on them and making sure they know whats happening in their lives.. well my parents are like the opposite... theyre quite like chill on that. as in their strict in a sense that i have to be home by a certain time, cant go out too much, cant play too much but then they dont know when my exams are, what im doing, whats happening in school and everything. weird but i want them to know. i want them to ask me everyday how was your day, know what subjects i did badly what subjects i did well. like i havent figured out who or what im studying so hard for but i guess its quite undeniably for them in a way. whats the point when they dont even know when my report book comes back, what subjects i take what class im in.
HAISH i think i just have to learn how to be more grateful. and learn to count my blessings. maybe i just dont realize their care for me? ah well my thoughts are so jumbled now should go and think it thru again slowly.
SO yea i tried... i've been studying QUITE hard.. and trying making sure i have some time for my family... but it never seems enough. like right from the start till now everytime something clashes with my dance... my parents get angry and theyre like ok youre not going for dance. i skipped like half my dance classes =.= (cuz of alot of other stuff too) and im not even spending that much time on dance you noe. just like 4-5 hours a week. and if im in a bad mood or what then theyll say... see you're too busy... to many commitments must quit something. anw just a lot of conflict which makes things so unhappy.
so for midterm i did quite well for my studies... and then my parnets were like ok good job. then i tried to kind of remind them that i DESERVE to go for lessons cuz like iguess ive proven i can manage? idk la aiya. but idk... they still dont think so
i understand theyre against me having so many committments for my own good BUT if ive chosen to do it CANT U SUPPORT ME? i just feel like my parents dont give a shit about my dance. ok so the thing is at the end of the year im going for a mission trip and the day i fly off is SO QIAO the day my dance concert is on. told my mum... quite sad.. and she was like oh good now you dont have to take part and stuff. and like JUST just now like a few hours ago they were like oh we're going on a cruise nov 24.. my dance exam is at the end of november. i have no idea whats the actual date so will it clash, or happen just before the cruise blabla idk but 1) they didnt even REMEMBER that i have an exam and i just told them last week. 2) they think its completely fine to skip the classes before the exam as long as i go for the exam shouldnt affect me right. but like no HELLO two weeks before the exam is like intensive almost the whole days spent practicing. and then my mum was like "ur even busier than dad. SO MANY COMMITMENTS" and she sounded so friggin angry i cant even.
LIKE WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?! the exam was planned BEFORE the trip. and im already skipping the dance concert and its not even like i completely heck the family ugh. and then... being so emotionally unstable i cried like shit. so stupid. but its been like a build up of EVERYTHING. in my dance school theres only one official performance of the year. last year i wasnt in the school so no performance. two years ago i was performing and SO QIAO same day as my sis. anw that performance meant ALOT to me cuz i was quitting dance for year 3 and it was also my first perf with that school la. then i was quite upset cuz my parents said they werent coming... like the day before cuz my dad was sick. okayy... but i wasnt angry or anything sick what to do. BUT GUESS WHAT they went for my sisters concert. wow i was just like ? my sis performs SO OFTEN is it so hard to skip one idk im such an ass but really. and the timings didnt even CLASH. and EVERY SINGLE TIME my sis performs I HAVE TO WATCH. its not like i hate watching or anything its quite enjoyable but why so much support for her? ok i know like harps gonna be her carreer and all that but is something that your other daughter enjoys doing so insignificant?
AND THEN youre afraid im stressed right? okay.. then i wanted to stop violin. but you had this great idea: to let me take my dip next year IN JC1. people cant even cope with thier studies what makes you think i can cope with that and violin? and diploma in less than a year is CRAZY. and when i told you i dont think i can make it you actually said if i practiced a few hours a day, in a few months time ill be ready. cuz i practice 45 mins aweek and i did fine for my grade 8. but havent you thought about it? WHY DO I PRACTICE SO LITTLE? lazy. okay i agree but then why lazy? cuz im not even that interestedin it and im having problems coping with my studies and everything else!!! what makes u think i can do it man.. of course i noe taking a dip in violin will do GOOD for me. but isnt this contradictory to the whole point ur trying to make that i should stop STRESSING myself out and taking up too many commitments...
i think im really ungrateful and stuff.... like my parnets have done so much for me ... but idk i always feel so left out. maybe its just me but i feel like the world revolves around my sis sometimes... harp. it cost so much, the harp itself, renovating the house for it, getting another car for it, so much money and time and effort. and the thing is my sis doesnt even APPRECIATE it as much as i think she should. or at least she doesnt show it idk. its not like shes been a much more filial daughter or anything right? but whats in for me? idk.
you know how much kids want freedom and not have their parents constantly checking up on them and making sure they know whats happening in their lives.. well my parents are like the opposite... theyre quite like chill on that. as in their strict in a sense that i have to be home by a certain time, cant go out too much, cant play too much but then they dont know when my exams are, what im doing, whats happening in school and everything. weird but i want them to know. i want them to ask me everyday how was your day, know what subjects i did badly what subjects i did well. like i havent figured out who or what im studying so hard for but i guess its quite undeniably for them in a way. whats the point when they dont even know when my report book comes back, what subjects i take what class im in.
HAISH i think i just have to learn how to be more grateful. and learn to count my blessings. maybe i just dont realize their care for me? ah well my thoughts are so jumbled now should go and think it thru again slowly.
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