1) i hate waiting
i hate it when people are late especially when they dont feel sorry about it or dont even try to hurry haha and its not like im never late but at least i try not to be. when im waiting i feel insecure and forgotten lol
2) ive always wanted to be niang.
as in feminine and like those olden china palace princesses...so i always tell myself.. okay walk with my legs closer, cover your mouth when u cough burp sneeze whatever. say excuse. talk softly. smile without teeth.
doesnt work. i walk with my legs FAR apart... walk up the stairs with my feet in a 5th position.?! openly sneeze super loudly and burp and not apologise for it. talk super loudly i think i can go be a parade commander. and i cant smile with my mouth closed. or i look constipated. yea. sigh!
so sometimes i think okay maybe i should try to be cool instead and bengish. but not enough swag. aiya idk feels like i have no identity
3) i want to seem fierce and unapproachable to strangers
so weird right most people want to look kind and friendly and whatnot. but i think its COOL to have this scary aura hahahaha like mudzy and tab. k their not fierce or anything but they look formidable hAHAHA used to be so freaked out by them.
4) id rather excel in something than be ok in everything.
i think im quite averagely all rounded. but no i want to be SUPER SUPER pro at something and everyone will remember me for it. how to say like everytime i ask people oh what am i good at then their like... u play violin, ur quite smart, u can dance ... hmm but sometimes whats the point when i dont excel in either. so excelistic and resultisist but well ..
5) i NEED to noe where and how im going
i hate it when im going somewhere and im not even sure which directions to take. so yea i spend a lot of time checking up and googlemapping places im not familiar with. its so good to just be chill and go with the flow. nothing wrong with being lost right or late? but no.. i get tremendously stressed out when im going to be late or im somewhere unfamiliar. thats why im obsessed with sg buses/iris. and they forever cheat my feelings haish
6) i havent decided if im introverted or extroverted
i enjoy being alone. and i love taking public transport or walking home by myself and thinking or whatever. but then when im with people its like even if i dont feel like speaking or theres nothing really to talk about theres this force that BOOMZ and suddenly im chattering away and going crazy. its so weird.
7) im ultra sensitive
everything that people say or do makes me think alot about how they view me or whatever. and any hurtful comment that comes is quite like stabbing. sometimes i feel like the whole world might be secretly hating me. so when people give me feedback on stuff i can change i think i go all out to change. but what urks me so much is when people criticise things about me that I CANT EVEN CHANGE. so what am i supposed to do hurh? i cant magically make my nose sharper or grow taller or grow longer lashes or get skinnier calves right what the T.T
8) i wish for a world where everyone is open
despite being sensitive i think i take feedback quite okayly, as i said, as long as i can work on it. why do people find it so hard to be DIRECT to people. why tell people only what they want to hear? (wah dejavu typing this) and i HATE IT when i noe someone is angry with me or doesnt like something about me BUT DOESNT TELL ME. its not fair to be angry when the person ur angry at doesnt even know why. so yea im quite blunt towards people especially those i care about. if youre overweight and it makes u look worse than you can look or feel self conscious im not gonna tell u u look good. if i find you annoying im not gonna say ur nice. im not saying overweight people dont look good or people i find annoying are not nice but isnt it good to get feedback on how you can look or be your best.? but if you're completely accepting of yourself then okay good for you. so yea i do hope people tell me how i can improve but NICELY of course
9) im a worrywart
i worry about EVERYTHING. shant elaborate i think most people who noe me understand hahaa. but i think its so stressful and unhealthy. all the things i worry about make me unhappy and depressivish. so yea hopefully i can learn to let go of things. hey but this year im much better i think ^^ its so funny how we're so fortunate and blessed but we're always so unhappy and worried about everything and we forget about the things we have. a sermon a few weeks ago was talking about how we have God and he'll provide for us so we need to trust that he'll bring us through. and thinking about it ive realized that REALLY when i put my trust in God there are so many things He can do. but still me being me im always worried about that WHAT IF its not the case this time. so yea i need to learn to TRUST.
and funnily i always worry for others. when someones giving a performance lets say singing and sounds shaky my heart just drops. so worried that the person will screw up or whatever.. even if idk the person haha. and im always worrying for people who seem to not givee hoots about studying. maybe the whole rgs thing is just in me like. no study = die. so when i see people esp those taking MAJOR EXAMS im just like please please study. hahaa im so weird.
10) im dominating
HAIZ yea only recently did i realize how bad it is. when theres something that requires team cooperation or whatever and NO ONE seems to be making an effort to get the team together i just feel like its my duty and responsibility to take matteres i my hand and start orderig people around. and i guess i end up offending people HAISH. ok shall try to lax a bit next time but wow like how do some people tahan not being involved in decision making and stuff ?!
11) I LOVE CHILDREN
sooo cute and innocent. when i see how their thoughts are so naive my heart just shatters. ok not really but like yeaaaa just quite sad to see how missing this innocence is in older people. and children are so okay with me touching them. thats not supposed to sound pervo. anw my fav kid for now is jing en!! hehehe
shes SOOO adorable and she has an adorable sis and bro. but its so cute how shes like shy shy in front of me but shes always saying my name at home. and she asked her mum how come jiejie charlotte always *flails hands and screams*? SO CUTE HAHAHHAA <3
so yea anyone has cute kids please ...
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and anw to my emo blog post of ytd... had a short talk with my dad today. he was like why couldnt u discuss things with us properly and stuff and then i asked him why was mum even angry T.T expected.. he said she was just trynna arrange something for our fam and stuff. so anw i asked him why cant yall support my dance? and he said no we support what its your choice and interest. okay so i guess to my parents supporting my dance means allowing me to take it up. nothing more. but thankfully nothing less. but ive decided if the trip is before or during my exam im not going for it. last dance exam after all. so yea pray hope no further conflict.
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