Do they care

My parents are the best parents I can ask for. Nice, patient, family oriented bla.. But sometimes i wonder if they care about me and what i enjoy doing. I really like dancing... not something im great in or something I can earn a living from or whatever la but it makes me happy. So ive been stopping and starting and stopping and starting because its pretty low on my parents priorities for me and like last year when i took my violin and theory exam i was sure i wouldnt be able to cope with all plus school stuff. This year i was dying to dance again so i and begged my parents to let me start and again and SUPER UNWILLINGLY i was allowed to. conditions came of course... family first, cant be stressed, cant show blackface. Sec 4 meant loads of school shit and there was cheer plus syf and church and everything so i was really unsure if could cope but anw i asked for it so i was prepared to work for it and make sure i fare reasonably well for everything. cant take doing things i have no confidence in doing well :/.

SO yea i tried... i've been studying QUITE hard.. and trying making sure i have some time for my family... but it never seems enough. like right from the start till now everytime something clashes with my dance... my parents get angry and theyre like ok youre not going for dance. i skipped like half my dance classes =.= (cuz of alot of other stuff too) and im not even spending that much time on dance you noe. just like 4-5 hours a week. and if im in a bad mood or what then theyll say... see you're too busy... to many commitments must quit something. anw just a lot of conflict which makes things so unhappy.

so for midterm i did quite well for my studies... and then my parnets were like ok good job. then i tried to kind of remind them that i DESERVE to go for lessons cuz like iguess ive proven i can manage? idk la aiya. but idk... they still dont think so

i understand theyre against me having so many committments for my own good BUT if ive chosen to do it CANT U SUPPORT ME? i just feel like my parents dont give a shit about my dance. ok so the thing is at the end of the year im going for a mission trip and the day i fly off is SO QIAO the day my dance concert is on. told my mum... quite sad.. and she was like oh good now you dont have to take part and stuff. and like JUST just now like a few hours ago they were like oh we're going on a cruise nov 24.. my dance exam is at the end of november. i have no idea whats the actual date so will it clash, or happen just before the cruise blabla idk but 1) they didnt even REMEMBER that i have an exam and i just told them last week. 2) they think its completely fine to skip the classes before the exam as long as i go for the exam shouldnt affect me right. but like no HELLO  two weeks before the exam is like intensive almost the whole days spent practicing. and then my mum was like "ur even busier than dad. SO MANY COMMITMENTS" and she sounded so friggin angry i cant even.

LIKE WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?! the exam was planned BEFORE the trip. and im already skipping the dance concert and its not even like i completely heck the family ugh. and then... being so emotionally unstable i cried like shit. so stupid. but its been like a build up of EVERYTHING. in my dance school theres only one official performance of the year. last year i wasnt in the school so no performance. two years ago i was performing and SO QIAO same day as my sis. anw that performance meant ALOT to me cuz i was quitting dance for year 3 and it was also my first perf with that school la. then i was quite upset cuz my parents said they werent coming... like the day before cuz my dad was sick. okayy... but i wasnt angry or anything sick what to do. BUT GUESS WHAT they went for my sisters concert. wow i was just like ? my sis performs SO OFTEN is it so hard to skip one idk im such an ass but really. and the timings didnt even CLASH. and EVERY SINGLE TIME my sis performs I HAVE TO WATCH. its not like i hate watching or anything its quite enjoyable but why so much support for her? ok i know like harps gonna be her carreer and all that but is something that your other daughter enjoys doing so insignificant?

AND THEN youre afraid im stressed right? okay.. then i wanted to stop violin. but you had this great idea: to let me take my dip next year IN JC1. people cant even cope with thier studies what makes you think i can cope with that and violin? and diploma in less than a year is CRAZY. and when i told you i dont think i can make it you actually said if i practiced a few hours a day, in a few months time ill be ready. cuz i practice 45 mins aweek and i did fine for my grade 8. but havent you thought about it? WHY DO I PRACTICE SO LITTLE? lazy. okay i agree but then why lazy? cuz im not even that interestedin it and im having problems coping with my studies and everything else!!! what makes u think i can do it man.. of course i noe taking a dip in violin will do GOOD for me. but isnt this contradictory to the whole point ur trying to make that i should stop STRESSING myself out and taking up too many commitments...

i think im really ungrateful and stuff.... like my parnets have done so much for me ... but idk i always feel so left out. maybe its just me but i feel like the world revolves around my sis sometimes... harp. it cost so much, the harp itself, renovating the house for it, getting another car for it, so much money and time and effort. and the thing is my sis doesnt even APPRECIATE it as much as i think she should. or at least she doesnt show it idk. its not like shes been a much more filial daughter or anything right? but whats in for me? idk.

you know how much kids want freedom and not have their parents constantly checking up on them and making sure they know whats happening in their lives.. well my parents are like the opposite... theyre quite like chill on that. as in their strict in a sense that i have to be home by a certain time, cant go out too much, cant play too much but then they dont know when my exams are, what im doing, whats happening in school and everything. weird but i want them to know. i want them to ask me everyday how was your day, know what subjects i did badly what subjects i did well. like i havent figured out who or what im studying so hard for but i guess its quite undeniably for them in a way. whats the point when they dont even know when  my report book comes back, what subjects i take what class im in.

HAISH i think i just have to learn how to be more grateful. and learn to count my blessings. maybe i just dont realize their care for me? ah well my thoughts are so jumbled now should go and think it thru again slowly.